Anything Yet
by TheDangerousHumanLizardCat
Summary: Yusei continues working hard to bring Bruno back to life, but finds himself in a bit of a moral dilemma wondering whether or not Bruno wants to be brought back. After struggling with that worry, Yusei's thoughts turn darker, and he asks Crow whether he's ever contemplated suicide. Crow denies having considered it, but later shares a darker time of his own past with Yusei.


**Anything Yet**

"Crow?"

"Yea, Yusei?"

"Have you ever thought about killing yourself?"

The orange-haired man set down the wrench he'd been holding and looked over to his friend, mouth slightly agape. He stared at the other for a moment before finding words. "Have I—what?"

"Ever thought about…you know…suicide." Yusei stopped typing and looked back to his friend. There was no hint of a grin in his face, or anything else that would indicate to Crow that he wasn't serious.

"I…uhm… You're asking something pretty heavy here, Yus." Crow wiped his brow and sat down on a nearby chair. "I've thought about it, as in considered what it means and what happens to those who attempt, but I've never thought about doing it to myself." He studied his friend carefully. "Where…is this coming from?"

"I…just have been thinking about it lately," Yusei replied quietly.

"Yusei!"

"Not…necessarily doing it to myself." Yusei clicked a couple of items on his computer screen. A new window opened up, displaying a rotating model of the head of his blue-haired friend. He jerked his head towards it and looked back at Crow. "I wonder if he thought about it."

"Bruno?" Crow pulled a chair up next to Yusei and sat on it facing backwards. "You think he was suicidal?"

"I'm…not sure if that's it," Yusei said, hesitantly. "More…that he died, to save me, and you, and everyone, so I wonder if he at all…wanted to leave."

"If he had a death wish, but didn't want to go off himself?" Crow asked, watching the head rotate on screen. "I'd have a hard time picturing that, he was always smiling and laughing. I guess sometimes the one's who laugh the hardest have the most to hide, but he had amnesia. When he wasn't smiling, he was so focused and driven on his work with you, so… To me, it seems like that wouldn't have been him, what you're thinking. But, you were the only one of us to see him once he regained his memories. What makes you think he might have felt that way?"

"Nothing in particular that he said or did during his final moments, just… Being met with the weight of all that he'd been through, and what he had to do, when his memories came back. That's a lot for somebody to have to take in, and then…" Yusei paused and swallowed, becoming a bit choked up. "Realizing that his…his purpose…was to kill me. I know he had to go through with his mission, his directive, but I know that he didn't want to hurt me. So…just…if any of that put him in a compromising spot with what he was feeling…" Yusei's voice faded off. He closed his eyes, holding back tears. "I'm working so hard to rebuild him…but I don't know if he wants to be alive."

Crow watched as Yusei clenched his jaw and trembled slightly. Without a word, Crow slid his chair closer to Yusei's, sat on it facing forward, and pulled Yusei into his arms. He held him tightly, pressing the other's head to his own chest. When he heard a couple of squeaks coming out of Yusei's tightly closed lips, he bent his head down to kiss the top of the other's head a few times. "You can let it out, dude," he said softly. Yusei shook his head slightly. "Its okay, really. I'm the only one here, and I'm not going anywhere with what happens in this room." Yusei shook his head again. Crow sighed softly. "Bruno wouldn't want you to hold it in."

At that, Yusei's lips parted into a grimace. His whole body shook as sobs escaped, and he reached up to grab onto Crow's shirt. Crow held him even more tightly and stroked his hair. Once Yusei's sobs had calmed a bit, Crow spoke softly. "I think that Bruno wants to be alive. Even though he chose to duel you, to carry out his directive, which lead to his death, he probably had more that he wanted to say to you. I think he'd also want to see the world that you saved."

"What if…" Yusei struggled to get the words out through sniffs. "What if I bring him back, and he doesn't want to be here? What if he wants to be dead?"

"Isn't that something you could do with his programming? Make it so that he wants to be alive?"

"I don't want to program him to be any way other than how he was," Yusei said firmly. "He needs to have his own free will, make his own decisions…"

"Well, then, if you bring him back with all of his memories in tact, and he is struggling, you can help him, can't you?"

Yusei lifted his head and looked up to Crow. "Help him?"

"Yea, like, talk him through it, be there for him, take him to a counselor if he wanted, you know, same as you would with someone who was human?"

"He is human," Yusei said, darkly.

"Yes, of course, but I mean someone without circuits. Someone who once their heart stops, there's no coming back." Crow smiled gently. "Help him the same way as you would anyone else."

Yusei looked away. "I guess… I just…can't stand to imagine him feeling that way, and having to go through that." He closed his eyes again and turned his head further away from Crow. Crow studied him carefully for a moment.

"Yusei… Are you…contemplating suicide?" The question left Crow's lips delicately, with each word placed with a careful firmness. He held his breath as he waited for Yusei's response. For several moments, Yusei was silent and unmoving. Finally, he turned to face Crow again. His face was streaked with tears and he wore an expression of grief.

"I don't know," he said, his voice shaking slightly. "I… I know that's not something that is ever okay to think about, but…"

"But what?" Crow pressed gently, his own face betraying a bit of the sadness he was feeling at seeing his friend like that.

"I lost the person that I love the most…and I'm going to bring them back, but I don't know that they want to be back. I agree with you that if he doesn't want to be here when I get him back, that I can help him, like I would anyone else…but who am I to play God?"

"Z-one played God in bringing Bruno to life," Crow said. "His intentions weren't even _half_ as honorable as yours. He brought Bruno to life, and completely blinded him to his intentions, to have him do evil work for him and to harm you. Why are you bringing him back?"

"So that he can live a full life, in a world that is thriving, and so that he can…be with us."

"Exactly."

"That's so selfish of me, though, isn't it? Bringing him back because I want him around?"

"There's nothing selfish about it, Yusei. You have the power to bring him back, and you have no intentions of mistreating him or using him for your own benefit. Its not wrong to want the companionship of someone you connected with so deeply, especially when he so clearly enjoyed your companionship." Crow moved his head to make direct eye contact with Yusei. "You're not being selfish. You're doing something good."

"I suppose." Yusei looked to the computer screen again and watched the model of the blue-haired head rotate again. His eyes filled with tears again, but he blinked them back, willing himself to not break down again. In his mind, he'd been breaking down too many times since losing Bruno, and while he knew Crow would support him through anything, he didn't like Crow seeing him that way.

"Now," Crow said, reaching up and brushing Yusei's bangs to the side. "Do I need to be worried about you hurting yourself?" Yusei shook his head slightly. "That's not very convincing," Crow said. He brushed Yusei's bangs to the side again, trying to soothe his friend. He could see feel how tensely the other was holding himself. "Can you at least promise me something?"

"What is it?"

"If you do feel yourself going to a dangerous place, will you tell me?"

"I can do that."

"Good. Now…want to tell me about where you are with your code today?

A few days passed since Yusei's initial conversation with Crow about suicide. Yusei worked hard to stay focused as he worked, reminding himself each time he felt his mind slip that he needed to make the code perfect, so that Bruno could come back fully and without error. He couldn't keep his mind away from the darkness completely, though, and found himself wanting more and more to just stop, give up, and join Bruno wherever he was now. It had been two or three nights (he'd lost count) since that conversation, when Yusei found himself creeping into Crow's room late at night. Once inside the room, he knocked quietly on the wall and whispered Crow's name. After a couple of whispers, Crow awoke and turned on the bedside table lamp.

"Mmm… Hey Yus, what's up?" he asked with a groggy voice while rubbing his eyes.

"I'm sorry to have woken you," Yusei said quietly, holding his arms uncomfortably in front of him and looking ashamed.

"Nah, don't be, what's going on?"

"I…uhm…" Yusei struggled to find the words. He ran his hands up and down his own arms and looked off to the side as he felt himself choke up again. Seeing his friend's face contort with hurt and shame, Crow got out of bed immediately and walked to Yusei's side. He put an arm around Yusei's shoulders and guided him to sit down on the bed.

"You hurting?" Crow asked softly, running a hand up and down Yusei's shoulder soothingly. Yusei nodded, fighting back tears. "What's on your mind?"

"You asked me to promise…" Yusei's voice trailed off. He took a deep breath and swallowed before trying again. "You asked me to promise that I… I…would tell you…"

"That you'd tell me if you were going to hurt yourself?" Crow finished the sentence for his friend. Yusei nodded slightly and covered his mouth with his hand. Crow sighed and pulled him close. "Okay. Message received." He rested his chin on Yusei's head. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"I don't have anything to say," Yusei whispered. "Just that…" He paused and reached into his pocket. He pulled out a small knife. Crow's eyes widened, and he discreetly glanced at his friend's arms. Yusei held the knife out for him and he took it and put it aside on the table.

"Okay," Crow said with a heavy exhale. "Thank you for bringing that to me. Is there anything else you want to show me?"

Yusei shook his head. "I didn't do anything…yet. I just…couldn't stop feeling the urge."

"Yea, I know that feeling," Crow said, rolling his eyes as an unpleasant memory danced at the edge of his mind. "Man, Yusei, I'm sorry you're feeling that…I'm so relieved that you came in here, though."

"I'm too old to do that…"

"You're never too old to have feelings," Crow said, pulling Yusei's head to his own chest. "You're never too old to want to act on those feelings. That's part of being human. What's important is that you have the sense to know that those feelings aren't good, and that those urges to act aren't good, and that you came for help. It takes a lot of courage to ask for help." Crow looked up to the ceiling, feeling his own eyes becoming watery. "I wish I'd had the courage to ask for help when I needed it the most.

"When did you need help?" Yusei asked, lifting his head gently from Crow's chest to look at his friend.

"Heh… I did a really good job of hiding it, didn't I?" Crow smirked a bit and closed his eyes for a moment before continuing. "First off, I'm sorry for hiding that I was in trouble from you and Jack. That's where this is going- that I was having a lot of trouble, and I didn't tell you guys and kept it hidden so well that even you two, my closest friends, couldn't tell. Okay…so…how old was I when I started wearing fingerless sleeves?"

"Uhm…I think that you and I were fourteen, Jack was fifteen," Yusei said, doing some quick math in his head and recalling older memories.

"Yea, then. So, puberty hit, that wonderful time of course, and I started struggling more with chemical imbalances. I wound up in the guidance office at school more times than I let you or Jack know, for going off at teachers. The school psychologist started to work with me, and diagnosed me with depression and an anger processing disorder. It got bad, though, Yus. So bad, that I did start going at myself, at my arms. I felt so ashamed, and started wearing long sleeves every day to hide it."

"That's right, when you went through your hoodie obsessed phase," Yusei said. "Even when it was hot, you still insisted on wearing them."

"Yeah, to hide the marks. The school psychologist figured that out pretty quickly, and told me to stop. Of course…what fourteen-year old boy listens when an adult tells them to stop doing something, right? So I kept going, cutting my arms up more, and eventually one got infected. I was sweating so much, wearing long sleeves, and of course I wasn't cleaning or bandaging my wounds properly, ya' know? So I went to the school nurse one day, fessed up to what I was doing to myself, and asked for help cleaning the wounds. That nurse was an angel- she cleaned all of the cuts, pulled fuzz from my sleeves out of them, and even hooked me up with some antibiotics to take care of the infection. Now that I think about it, the only reason she could do that without getting in major trouble herself was because Satellite wasn't part of the city yet, and nobody from the stupid government was checking in there. She also gave me some advice, though, and suggested that if I felt the need to keep them covered, that I start wearing fingerless sleeves instead. That way, I could still wear short-sleeved shirts and stay cool, but also keep covered. Unfortunately, I didn't get better right away after that and did keep cutting myself from time to time, but I wasn't dripping sweat so much and didn't get another infection. Yusei, I kept that up for three years… Once I'd finally shaken the habit, I got my wrists tattooed with the Blackwings, which you've seen, to cover them, and adopted the gloves that I wear now. I grew used to having something covering my forearms, so I like to still wear long gloves, but it also keeps the topic of conversation off of my tattoos. At least, this way I'm not constantly reminded of what I went through." Crow stopped and stared at the ground. Yusei looked at him in shock. He quietly reached out and took the other's hand.

"You're very brave, Crow."

"Heh… I had to be."

"You still are." Yusei leaned in and nuzzled Crow's neck gently. "To have been suffering like that and not to tell us…and to feel ashamed of something you shouldn't have had to be ashamed of and to endure all that you did… Even more so, to be able to tell me about it now, Crow, you are very brave." Yusei reached out and took hold of Crow's hands. "Can you show me?"

"Huh? Show you what?"

"Your tattoos."

"You've seen them before, Yus."

"Yes, but I want to see them again."

"Well, alright then." Crow reached back and turned the lamp on to a brighter setting. He turned his wrists to face up and held them more directly in the light. "Blackwings, my beautiful birds, covering every mark that I am ashamed of. That one," Crow pointed to the bird's beak and traced over a line that was barely visible beneath it, "was the first mark I made. And that one," Crow pointed to a line that ran with a wing feather, "was after I got in trouble for skipping class. I skipped class so that I wouldn't beat up that one idiot with the black hair who thought it was funny to pick on us for being orphans. I couldn't understand why I was in trouble, I'd avoided violence," Crow said with a laugh. He smiled sadly and gazed at his tattooed wrists. "I remember every single mark, and why each one of them is there… I wish I hadn't done any of them, but I know why I did and I know that I can't change that. So, the best that I can do is make sure that _you_ don't have to resort to that. _You_ don't have to feel that way alone." Crow paused and flipped his hands over to hold Yusei's hands tightly. "Thank you, so much, for telling me that you were heading there. Thank you for not letting go and giving up."

Yusei smiled slightly at Crow. "I feel a lot better," he said softly. "Like…a weight has been lifted. I still feel worried about what Bruno was feeling at the end, and how he might feel when I bring him back…but seeing your bravery and courage, knowing you went through all of those feelings and then some, and that you turned out as beautifully as you have… I know I will be okay, too."

"And so will Bruno, if like you're worried about, he's not so thrilled about being brought back," Crow said, reassuringly.

"Yes…you are right. Thank you." Yusei smiled more genuinely and leaned forward to wrap Crow in an embrace. "You are always there for me."

"Heh, well, you've always been there for me, too," Crow said, hugging his friend back. "Even when I couldn't tell you what was going on, when I hid from you and Jack, you still did so much more for me than you could ever imagine, just by being my friend and by being you."

"We've been best friends for all of those years for a reason," Yusei replied, resting his head on Crow's shoulder. The two stayed wrapped in each other's arms for another minute and then gently pulled apart. Crow put his hands on Yusei's shoulders and looked him in the eye.

"You don't need to feel ashamed like I did," he said firmly. "If you're ever feeling that way again, don't feel like you need to hide it, or like its shameful. You know where to find me, and that I'm always here." Yusei nodded, and nuzzled one of Crow's hands gently in thanks. Crow sighed and smiled. "Now, its late as hell… You getting in this bed or not?"

Yusei responded with a laugh and laid down on the bed. Crow turned the bedside table lamp off and got comfortable next to him. Yusei moved closer to him and rested his head on his shoulder, snuggling up to him. Crow put an arm around him and softly said "G'night, Yus."

"Goodnight, Crow," Yusei whispered back.


End file.
